The church faces challenges.

Volunteers get sick and don’t show up.

There’s a demand to be energetic and creative … always.

And then there are all the needs of the children and their families. You’re busy caring for others and often feel unseen. “I do everything for everybody. No one does anything for me,” you may think.

It’s easy to grumble. But if you have a desire to go “grumble free,” here are some ideas that will help.

Be aware of unrealistic expectations.

On any given day, we have hopes that things will go as planned. The grumbles come when reality doesn’t match up with how things were supposed to go.

When there is a bump in our schedules or people don’t follow through, we can’t help but complain (whether inwardly or outwardly).

We also, many times unintentionally, expect that people will just know that we need help. We shouldn’t have to ask, right?

Yet when we don’t communicate and unrealistically expect others to know our needs, we end up disappointed and frustrated. And if we can’t get help, we’d at least like a little thanks (but that rarely comes).

As Adele Ahberg Calhoun says in her book Invitations from God, “Unmet expectations are resentments and disappointments waiting to happen.”

One way to combat unrealistic expectations is to think ahead about ways we can respond when we discover an unexpected problem. Will we rally the troops, call in back up, or pray?

Rather than being overwhelmed or reactive in our behaviors, thinking ahead about a response prepares us to intentionally tackle problems.

When we plan for our reactions, we handle situations better. We treat church members, volunteers, and co-workers with respect—instead of grumbling about what went wrong.

Reacting with confidence will cause us to feel better about ourselves—and others too. We will take control of our emotions and remember that our ministry service is good, even though our days come with bumps and struggles.

Communicate disappointment.

No matter how much we plan or how hard we work, there will be times when we are let down. The key is not holding our disappointments inside.

Good communication is sharing what’s really going on inside our hearts. It’s not okay to hold in all our frustrations and disappointments for the sake of not grumbling.

If sharing what’s really going on in your heart with other staff is something you need to work on, then start with that first. Don’t do this alone.

Ask God to help you share truth with others in a loving way, even when it’s hard. It’s also important to practice listening as others do the same. True success in not grumbling means communicating well with others.

When we clearly share our struggles with others, we can find encouragement and seek out possible solutions.

Focus on solutions instead of problems.

No matter how much we work or how well we prepare, life is going to throw problems at us. Yet we have a choice every single time of how we’re going to respond.

Often the best way is just to tackle the problems, instead of letting the frustrations bog us down.

When we know there is a problem, and we don’t take responsibility for it, our minds will keep replaying the problem in our heads—just to make sure we remember it’s there. This can lead to anxiety and stress.

To stop the replay (and the anxiety), take a piece of paper and fold it in half. On the left side of the fold, write down all your ministry’s problems or needs. Then, on the right side of the fold, come up with one proactive solution for each problem.

As we do this, our minds will start working on fixes, instead of dwelling on the problem.

Your first idea might not be the answer you need, but it will get your mind moving in the right direction. As your mind moves into problem-solving mode, you will begin to pull yourself out of the grumbles.

What God says about grumbling.

While it’s important to work on grumbling, we also need to remember that this is a big deal to God. God doesn’t expect any of us to be perfect, but complaining is something He takes seriously.

Remember how Moses led the Israelites into the desert according to God’s command?

They had a lot of needs in that desert, and God knew that. But instead of asking Him to meet their needs—and trusting that He would—the Israelites complained.

Complaining is wanting our way without treating others—including God—with respect.

It’s easy to see grumbling as a bad habit. It’s harder to see it as an actual offense against God.

Even if we aren’t intentionally meaning to, our grumbling is saying, God, you’ve failed me. We may feel comfortable stuck in our grumbling, but God has so much more for us—just like He had for the Israelites.

He had a promised land for them, but they only focused on the challenges instead of the good that awaited them.

They refused to be glad that they were God’s people—and that He had a wonderful plan for them—so they stayed stuck.

We have that same very choice. Staying stuck is up to us.

God can help with our attitudes.

It’s important to develop skills that help combat grumbling, but it’s even more important to remember that we don’t have to tackle this alone.

God not only can help us, but He wants to help us.

Every day we can pray and ask Him to change us from the inside out. When we turn to God, He can lead us as we lead our coworkers and volunteers in serving children and their families. Our spiritual lives matter.

We know this, but we still struggle. Why? Sometimes grumbling feels good. And many times, venting is easier than submitting.

Ultimately, to stop ourselves from grumbling, we need to turn over the power that we struggle to keep.

What is God asking us to give up when we give up grumbling? The right to ourselves, the right to say what we feel, the right to gain sympathy, and the right to make people aware of our disappointment.

We can ask God to take away our grumbles, but we also must ask Him to give us something in return: a thankful heart. True change will only come when we fix our minds on gratitude, knowing that God is good, and His help is available.

Changing a grumbling habit into gratitude.

We can get to the place where we control our reactions. But in order to truly get to deep contentment, we must replace our grumbling with gratitude.

When you feel like grumbling about anything, instead take a deep breath and make a mental adjustment. Ask yourself, “I want to grumble about this, but how can I offer gratitude to God instead?”

When the budget for Vacation Bible School is cut in half: “Thank You God for the ability to serve our community and evangelize to children. Thank You for already stirring others to give and serve.”

When one of the kids continues to disobey and stir up trouble: “Thank you God for this child. Give me Your love and Your compassion. Show me ways to touch this child’s heart and minister to him and his family. I know helping him make better decisions now will help him for the rest of his life.”

When you feel over-scheduled, overwhelmed, and unappreciated: “Thank You God that You have given me a sound mind to make healthy changes in my ministry and the strength to be strong in the things I cannot change.”

The more we replace our grumbling with gratitude—and the more we hardwire the right responses—the more effective we can be to teach, lead, and guide. Not only that, but others will take notice—especially the kids.

They will have a model to follow through life.

No more grumbling.

Stopping ourselves from grumbling isn’t easy, but it will make a larger impact than you think.

When we are aware of unrealistic expectations and communicate disappointment in truthful, yet loving, ways—we step out of having a victim mentality.

Focusing on God and seeking solutions can bring change to the situation … and change our hearts.

When we turn our hearts toward God, gratitude will come. And the changes we make will impact our ministries for a lifetime.

Dependence on God changes everything, and that’s something to be thankful for.

Did you like this article? You might also like Tricia’s books! Check out her latest, The Grumble Free Year and Calming Angry Kids. 

Even then, I noted the angry glare behind her bangs. “I don’t want to sit down. I want Mommy!” She balled her fists, stomped her foot, and then let out a scream.

As a young Sunday School teacher, I wasn’t sure how to respond. I told her how much fun we were going to have. I urged her to give the class a chance.

If I would have had candy to offer her to calm down, I would have lowered myself to a bribe.

As her voice rose in volume, I felt I had no choice but to but to ask my helper to page her mom. When the mom arrived, I felt defeated and embarrassed at not being able to calm her.

Yet, that instance was minor compared to other times when a child’s anger was harder to control and even put other kids in harm’s way.

As teachers and leaders, we never know what to expect.

The good news is that we can prepare ourselves and learn important tools to help us calm angry children in our church program—and help ourselves remain calm in the process.

Know Anger Will Happen

As teachers, the best way to prepare is to know anger will happen. Anger happens for many reasons, including anxiety, worry, and overstimulation.

Even when we try to create a fun and loving environment, children can see Sunday School or children’s church as the unknown. It’s yet another place to struggle to fit in and learn a new way of doing things.

The thing is, anger not only happens with kids, it happens with teachers too.

Anger happens when we’re dealing with an angry child. It happens when we can’t get students to listen or obey us. It happens when we’re tired and frustrated and when our volunteers don’t show up to help.

When we stay calm, we are able to help kids to calm down. If we escalate with an angry child, we lose control of ourselves and of the program.

To calm yourself: take a deep breath, unclench your fists, loosen your jaw, and always send up a prayer for strength. Also, keep your voice low. A loud voice escalates an angry child even more.

As we stay calm, we can then offer help in these ways:

1. Understand that anger is a sign that something else is going on.

“Anger is what we call a cover-up emotion, a sign that says something is wrong. But the real problem is always underneath,” said Dr. Lynn Weiss, psychotherapist and author of several books on ADHD. (Lynn Weiss, as quoted by Janis Leibs Deworkis in “Behind the Mask of Teenage Anger.” Scouting, September 2002, 28–30.)

So what are some of the deeper emotions behind these thoughts?

For every reason a child feels angry, there is a deeper, underlying emotion. And the truth is, it’s the same with us.

When I start getting angry and stressed because of loud or uncontrolled children in my Sunday School classroom, it’s because of emotions and fears bubbling under the surface.

When I’m not in control, I worry about what church members or parents will think of me. At that moment the anger isn’t about the children’s actions, it’s about feeling incapable or disrespected.

When children are in the classroom, they often are bringing with them emotions from that morning or even the previous week. Anger is always more than what’s happening in the moment.

These may be a child’s thoughts:

• Things didn’t go as planned. (I feel powerless)
• I messed up. (I feel incapable.)
• I don’t know this teacher or the other kids. (I feel unseen or unheard.)
• It’s not fair! (I feel anxious.)
• Everyone treats me bad. (I feel disconnected.)
• He/she was mad at me first. (I feel unloved.)
• I can’t control myself. (I feel helpless.)
• I can’t explain what I need. (I am hungry, tired, or overstimulated.)
• People don’t act like they should. (I feel threatened.)
• I’m really mad about something else. (I feel confused.)

Instead of jumping to straight to discipline, see anger as a welcome mat telling you that something is going on inside a child’s mind and heart.

2. When you see anger, frustration, or anxiety in one of your students, label it.

Often we try to distract children. We offer them “bribes” by telling them how fun class will be.

We can even issue threats: “You need to calm down, or I’m going to have to get your parent.”

A better way to handle the anger is to name the emotion. “You are angry” or “You are anxious.” By labeling the anger, you are letting the child know that you are paying attention and you care.

After you label the child’s emotion, continue with, “Can you tell me about it?” Even young kids can usually express what is wrong.

For a child to explain what’s wrong, he has to stop acting out in angry ways. As a child talks about his problem, he moves from the emotional part of his brain to the thinking part of his brain, helping him to calm.

3. After we acknowledge a child’s emotion, we must then offer our help.

For example: “You are angry, but I’m here to help you. I care about you. God does too. What do you think will help right now?”

Sometimes a child can tell you what she needs.

Maybe she needs a new coloring sheet. Or to sit in the back of the room. Maybe she needs to walk around in the hall for a few minutes. Or sit next to you during story time. She might prefer watching the other kids instead of participating in the activity.

Often it’s an easier fix than we anticipate. If the child can’t tell you what she needs, you can offer ideas.

Children don’t want to stay angry, and just knowing you’re there to offer a solution is a great step to helping the child to calm.

4. Create a Calm Down Kit—a bin with things that can help a child calm down.

We teach children in our classes how to sit for story time and how to line up for the bathroom. Think of this as just another thing to teach to help the class run smoothly.

At the beginning of class, show the children calm-down items and how to use them if they get angry. Show the children how squeezing play dough or spinning a top gives them something to get their minds off of the anger.

Role play getting mad and then going to the bin and calmly sitting down to blow bubbles. (Kids like to watch us role play!)

Or, for an activity one week, work with the children to create this calm down kit, teaching about one of the Fruits of the Spirit: self-control.

Here’s a list of items you can include:

• Bubbles
• Play Dough
• Stress ball
• A small notebook and colored pens
• A spinning top
• A liquid or sand timer
• Scripture verses to read (for older students)

Let children know they have permission to use the items in the kit when they need to calm down.

5. Focus on building connection with a child who is prone to anger.

Even in the midst of class, find a way to connect with the child and offer praise for even small things done right.

Ask the child to be your helper during story time. Ask the child to help you pass out the snack. Be sure to make eye contact, repeat back what the child says, and point out what you appreciate about the child’s help.

This connection will make the child more willing to stay calm and less likely to act out.

6. Remind the child that God is available to help.

One verse to memorize together is Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

We can try to control our actions, but it will only get us so far. It’s far better to ask God to help us. God’s Spirit can and will help us to be loving, kind, gentle, and self-controlled.

While all these things will help in the classroom, it’s also important to prepare yourself for the classroom.

During your quiet time throughout the week, pour out your feelings to God.

Pray for all your students, especially children who are known to get angry. Ask God to show you how He sees those challenging kids through His eyes. Ask Him to help you love your students with His love.

By preparing your heart, preparing to help, and teaching children how to calm themselves, anger will be easier to deal with in your church program.

Scripture Verses to Memorize and Use for the Calm Down Kit.

• “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20 ESV).
• “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare” (Prov. 15:1 NLT).
• “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent” (Ps. 4:4 NLT).
• “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud” (1 Cor. 13:4).
• “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8).

The Truth Behind Anger

Parenting expert and mom-in-the-trenches Tricia Goyer helps us build and restore relationship with angry kids rather than disciplining, ignoring, or resenting them.

Learn more about Calming Angry Kids

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Love Children Need. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2013.

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